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Jokes 2018- A place to post all your clean family oriented Jokes. Please do not post a Joke that you wouldn't want all your family members and friends to read. |
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08-26-2019, 09:16 AM | #1 |
Extraordinary Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: NW Montana
Age: 67
Posts: 13,730
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Too funny, but they say they're real
IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No , I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do.. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes , voodoo. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you (!$%@%) me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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They call me a Fudd (Fatal Urban Dealer of Death) because I carry a .45 ACP
(1) 45 ACP = (2) 9MM |
08-26-2019, 09:43 AM | #2 |
Extraordinary Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Northeast Kansas
Age: 80
Posts: 64,188
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Having spent considerable time on the witness stand, I believe these are true! Some attorneys ask the dumbest questions. I have a few stories like that myself.
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I'm old enough to remember when mentally ill people were placed in hospitals, not in Congress or the White House.
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08-26-2019, 02:05 PM | #3 |
Banned
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Central Florida
Age: 76
Posts: 62,704
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We the people allow lawyers to barely stay within the law they "practice." As a former big rig operator if I was "practicing" when behind the wheel I never could have worked for one company 20 years. I think of lawyers I think of disgusting money grabbers.
The joke is funny, I'm sure if I spent any time in a courtroom I would be laughing like a lawyer counting his cut of the settlement. |
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